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Getting along affects all of us all the time
The outrageous power of mutual benefit — aka getting along
Other people: Allies or enemies?
Read, watch, discuss, participate?
The universal rule for getting along
When appealing to others’ self-interest doesn’t work
Avoiding the temptation to screw things up
Play fair. But what does that mean?
How the Freedom Preacher Zoom Sessions can help
Can talking about problems really make a difference?
It’s okay to talk about important and difficult issues
Introduction
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“My goal as the Freedom Preacher is to help us rebuild the habit of getting along with each other.”
I have only recently begun calling myself the Freedom Preacher, but I have spent a lifetime trying to figure out why intelligent beings like us have so much trouble simply getting along with each other. Even more importantly: What, if anything, can be done about it? Can we make any progress in this area?
This website represents my attempt to achieve the goal stated above by sharing everything I have come to understand about this urgent problem, along with possible solutions.
In this somewhat lengthy article, I discuss the mechanics of how I hope to share this information. In the next section, I explain the different levels of possible involvement, arranged in order of gradually increasing involvement and commitment.
But the mechanics are actually the least of it. The primary purpose of this article, and the entire website for that matter, is to allow you to understand, as thoroughly as possible, my approach to the task of helping us regain our ability to just get along.
If you like the idea of getting along more consistently with your fellow humans, I believe I can help. But the most important question is whether you believe that as well. Hopefully the information presented here and elsewhere on this website will help you make that determination.
Getting along affects all of us all the time
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How important is our ability to get along with each other?
Think about some of your recent conversations and interactions. Things like planning events with a family member, or evaluating shared responsibilities with a coworker. Another typical but important example occurs when you have some kind of work done — car repairs, home remodeling, even medical work comes to mind.
If you are like most of us, sometimes these discussions go smoothly, with plenty of mutual consideration, concern, and, when necessary, compromise.
And you have probably experienced the other kind as well. When the above elements are absent, the results are usually more stressful, more frustrating, and frequently more expensive.
Unless you are a genuine glutton for punishment, my guess is that you would prefer to have the former kinds of interactions whenever possible.
The outrageous power of mutual benefit — aka getting along
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Getting along. It’s the “default setting” for our species. Not because humans are “basically good,” but because survival is our #1 priority.
We have been intentionally misled to believe that our best chance of survival is to dominate and control others. This makes us far easier to control.
Getting along with others is what will remain when all the artificial and destructive garbage that has filled our heads has been removed.
I will leave it to others to bring about the fully peaceful and rational world that would make life immeasurably better for all. Rather than wait for this “better world” – as mankind has been doing for thousands of years — my point is that we can improve our dealings with each other NOW. Our troubles in this area are not inherent in our nature. We have been intentionally weakened to facilitate our destructive societies.
What has been artificially weakened can, however, be intentionally strengthened. Those with the courage to do so will reap the rewards.
Other people: Allies or enemies?
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Here is a simple “attitude shift” that can increase the likelihood of your getting along in a variety of situations. It might sound unrealistic or even naïve at first, but bear with me and I think you will see how it can help.
I am suggesting that, in the absence of any other information, we start thinking of other people as potential allies rather than potential competitors or even enemies.
Obviously there will be many exceptions to this. We all know that we have to protect ourselves from the unscrupulous — and worse — people who are out there. The challenge is to recognize the potential good while avoiding the dangers.
Our ability to get along with each other is inconsistent, sometimes surprisingly so. Friendship, loyalty, and love are considered to be some of our best characteristics and capabilities. It would be impossible to count the number of literary and musical creations inspired by these uniquely human emotions.
Yet we all know the other side of it: Man’s inhumanity to man continues, right up to the immediate present.
If we really want to improve our ability to get along with each other, a deeper understanding of this ridiculous dichotomy seems like an excellent place to start.
Read, watch, discuss, participate?
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Much of the help I believe I can provide in improving our ability to get along with each other will be in the form of articles and videos here on the website. In addition to a series of explanations of the problem and possible solutions, these articles will include personal stories and other examples illustrating some of the points involved.
For example: Here’s a story about my experience on a used car lot a few years ago. I bought a decent car, but a misunderstanding at the last minute could have turned into a real battle. I try to practice what I preach, so I managed to find some common ground that worked out for both sides.
If you want a little more involvement, you can sign up for the Freedom Preacher Email Newsletter.
The Freedom Preacher Forum will host ongoing discussions based on selected Freedom Preacher articles. The discussions are available to the public, while posting privileges require a Freedom Preacher membership.
And for those who want maximum involvement — in this case, live real-time online conversations with the Freedom Preacher and fellow participants — we offer the Freedom Preacher Zoom Sessions.
Why listen to me?
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It will be up to you, of course, to decide how. much stock you will place in anything I have to say. Here is why I believe my analyses of the problem and possible solutions are worthwhile:
Identifying the genuine root cause or causes of a problem is the first step toward finding workable and lasting solutions.
I am convinced that the primary cause of most of our social problems, including our ever-increasing difficulty in simply getting along with each other, is our dysfunctional society. This is in sharp contrast to many prevailing narratives, including the “individual defect” theory psychologist Bruce Levine refers to that suggests that many individuals are simply “broken.”
I discuss this in more detail here.
You can read about my background and why I chose to become the Freedom Preacher on my about page.
The fundamentals
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Everything I do as the Freedom Preacher — the website, the newsletter, the forum, and the Freedom Preacher Zoom Sessions — is in support of my goal: Helping us to regain the ability to consistently get along with each other. By approaching the issue from as many directions as possible, I hope to help those who are interested to undo some of the damage done by our conflict-happy society.
This section will provide a few examples of how I intend to approach this task. “Getting along” sounds like a pretty big project when you apply it to the entire planet. But if you take it down to its essentials, there are only two components for any given individual: that individual, and everybody else.
In this case, “that individual” is you. So the entities you will need to deal with for maximum “getting along” will be yourself and everybody else.
When it comes to your own choices and behavior, these are within your control. With the “everybody else” group, however, all you can do is influence and hope for the best.
Here are a few observations and suggestions for both the “you” and the “everybody else” groups.
Dealing with others
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Let’s start with the easier, or at least less controversial of the two “groups”: other people. Even though we only have direct control over our own behavior, many people are more comfortable evaluating — and sometimes criticizing — others’ behavior than their own.
Following are a few examples of ways to maximize your chances of getting along with someone else, especially when “getting along” does not seem to be high among the priorities of the other person.
This is by no means exhaustive but is representative of how I intend to approach this important issue.
The next section will discuss the “you” portion for those who are interested.
The universal rule for getting along
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In theory, getting along should be “drop dead” simple: Do the best you can for the other party, and insist that they do the same for you. Problem solved.
But in the real world, it is frequently not that simple. Since we are constantly dealing with others, some of whom seem emphatically uninterested in getting along, it can be challenging.
I still say getting along is possible. I am not, however, saying it will always be easy.
Find common ground
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Finding the proverbial “common ground” sounds reasonable enough, but it can seem pretty unlikely in the heat of the moment during a serious conflict or disagreement.
The challenge is to resist the temptation to see the other person as the “enemy” and recognize that their position is probably just as important to them as yours is to you. This can put you on the path toward understanding more of their motivation — and to recognizing potential overlaps with yours.
As I recount in Surviving the used car lot, this approach helped me keep a minor issue from turning into a real problem. In my case, the “overlap” was my realization that the dealer’s reputation was extremely important to them. My desire to keep their reputation positive was sincere and, as it turned out, well received. Check out the story if you are curious.
Don’t make it worse
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This section could also have been called “When you are in a hole, stop digging.” When someone snaps at you or otherwise gives you an uncalled-for bad time, responding in kind can seem not only natural but inevitable. There may be a few angelic ones who don’t understand this, but I believe most of us get it.
And, of course, “snapping back” is the exact wrong thing to do if your goal is having a peaceful and productive exchange — getting along.
A quotation by Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl captures this idea beautifully:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
The same idea is behind the age-old advice of counting to 10 before responding when something makes you extremely angry. And the Internet era has added some additional wisdom with a suggestion that you keep an angry email at least overnight, then read it again before deciding whether to send it.
Pausing just long enough to “choose our response,” as Frankl puts it, can make all the difference in the world — especially when we are in the grip of powerful emotions such as anger and rage. Too many disappointments and even tragedies have resulted from the lack of an “undo” button in life.
It might sound corny, but the great thing about not making it worse is it can give you the chance to make it better.
When appealing to others’ self-interest doesn’t work
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Much of the time, going out of your way to do an absolutely fabulous job of whatever your side of the transaction happens to be can give you the bargaining power to insist on the same consideration in return. (Spoiler: This is the kind of exchange that, like the proverbial energizer bunny, can just keep working and working.)
This can work in a variety of contexts. In a corporate setting, having a reputation of being so good at what you do that you would be hard to replace can allow you to avoid a” no-win” kind of situation. This is how it worked for a long-ago colleague of mine, a fine engineer named Jack. You can read about Jack in Treat me wrong, treat me right: Who decides? here on the site, especially the second half.
That’s the good news.
The bad news is, this does not always work. This fairly obvious approach depends on the other person’s commitment to their own self-interest.
Virtually all living creatures have no choice but to act in their own self-interest, meaning in the genuine pursuit of their own survival. As novelist and philosopher Ayn Rand once said, an animal will always choose the cleanest food available.
The unfortunate exception is humans. People sabotage their own happiness and well-being all the time, tragically enough. As I discuss elsewhere in this article, I believe this is the result of the various forces that act on all of us all the time. Just as in the physical world, the direction the object — or the individual — will move is determined by the greatest forces.
If you are in a situation where the other person is willing to go against their own self-interest rather than deal fairly with you, it may be time to move on. The next section offers some insights here.
Have an “Or else”
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As I discussed in the previous section, there will be times when, even if you genuinely give the situation your very best, things just won’t work. This can be a very difficult decision to make. The danger is that, like good old Charlie Brown, we can let ourselves think “This time it will work” until the end of time, even as Lucy continues to yank that stupid football away.
One way to guard against this is to have an “or else.” This is an action that you are prepared to take if your complaints are not addressed. Charlie Brown, for example, could have simply told Lucy that he would find another teammate if she continued to fail at her task of holding the football.
Here is an article I wrote a while back about the importance of having an “or else” at work.
Optimal you
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It may not be as popular as talking about what the other guy did, but there is an enormous advantage to focusing on your side of the “getting along” question: You have 100% control over you.
This leads to a simple but powerful two-step formula for maximizing just about any kind of interaction.
1. Go out of your way to be as decent, reliable, and fair as possible with regard to your side of the transaction. Not only will this give you maximum leverage when it comes to insisting on the same thing in return, but it can also help avoid the “cycle of treating each other badly.” (This is the less well-known cousin of the “cycle of violence.”)
A fine example of this circular bad behavior is shown by a popular sentiment from workers in the old USSR (and I don’t believe they had a monopoly on this): “We pretend to work — and they pretend to pay us.”
2. Be as honest and objective as you possibly can about what it’s like to be dealing with you. A trusted friend, one who is willing to be honest with you even when it’s uncomfortable, can be a great help with this.
The section will discuss some of the ways you can optimize your own ability to get along consistently well with others. And a bonus section at the end will take a brief look at why you might not want to.
You are not broken
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The tagline on my Freedom Preacher website says “Our world is broken. Don’t let it break you.”
I believe that our “broken world” is the reason for the vast majority of individual and social problems that plague our species.
This is emphatically not, however, meant as an excuse or justification for poor judgment or bad behavior. We are all 100% responsible for our actions in the world.
But it is also true that our dysfunctional society creates the conditions that make life increasingly difficult for more and more of the population. The old line about desperate people doing desperate things certainly makes sense when the number of “desperate people” is increasing daily.
Why not acknowledge and correct the broken parts of our society? Because the tiny segment of society benefiting from the massive distortions is happy with the status quo — just like every other broken and dysfunctional society throughout history.
It is absolutely essential to learn to make better decisions, reduce conflict, and reverse as much of the damage done by our society as possible. As I like to say, nobody bats a thousand. Babe Ruth, the one time home run king, led the league in strikeouts as well as home runs.
A quotation attributed to the Indian philosopher Krishnamurti states that: "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."
The converse of this would seem to imply that dissatisfaction or unhappiness due to a profoundly sick society is no measure of sickness.
A highly successful individual, I don’t remember the name, was once asked if they had ever been poor. Their response, I thought, was terrific. They said:
“I have been broke several times, but I have never been poor. Broke is a temporary condition. Poor is a state of mind.”
Our society is indeed broken, but I don’t think you are. Let’s do everything we can to keep it that way.
Avoid this common mistake
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A great example of a time when simply getting along with another person can be beneficial can be during one of those tedious chores most of us face at one time or another: Dealing with a customer service rep to straighten out some kind of problem with a company. It could be a mistaken charge on a utility bill, a problem with an order from an outfit like Amazon, or any of a zillion other possibilities.
As difficult as it can be to actually get a real human being on the line during one of these occasions, it seems like a good idea to make the most of the opportunity. And the last thing you would want to do is antagonize the individual who is your connection to the big and faceless corporation you are hoping to influence.
Depending on the severity of the problem you are hoping to fix, you might be pretty upset or even quite angry when you begin this conversation. Anyone can understand this. But there is a crucially important distinction here — and if you can remember this and adjust your conversation accordingly, your chances of having a good outcome will increase.
Make a note: You are upset and angry about the situation, quite possibly with good reason. But you are not upset and angry at the human being (we can hope it’s a human being and not a chatbot) on the other end of the line.
Okay, maybe you are angry at this person. Are you willing to pause just a bit and rethink this? Unless you are talking to Jeff Bezos at Amazon, it is extremely unlikely that the person on the phone with you had anything to do with the policy or the mistake or whatever it is that has caused you grief.
I mentioned previously that making allies rather than enemies is almost always a good idea. By dealing respectfully with whoever is trying to help you, you can keep them on your side. You can be angry and upset, and you can tell them so if you want. Just avoid turning it into some kind of an attack.
The physics of getting along
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In some ways, getting along with each other seems pretty straightforward. Of course, if it was genuinely easy, everyone would do it. Since that is obviously not the case, something must be making it difficult for us to just get along.
One possibility, probably too obvious to even mention but I will anyway, is the fact that human behavior can seem inexplicable much of the time.
I don’t have a universal, works-every-time solution for this. But I do have a theory that might help explain behavior that otherwise seems to defy understanding.
One of many careers that I briefly considered but did not pursue was engineering. I wound up taking a couple of physics courses as a result. Some basic concepts I remember from these courses now seem to apply as I delve into the mysteries of human behavior.
It has been a long time so I may not recall the exact terminology. I am thinking of the way forces will act on an object, and the way that the direction and velocity of the object’s resulting movement is determined by the sum of the forces acting on it.
The parallel I see with humans and our behavior involves the various “forces” that can act on a person. Some are very real, very present, and quite objective. Things like hunger and thirst come to mind.
But other factors can act as forces as well. Sometimes experiences from long ago can have a powerful effect on present-day behavior.
And just like the physical object will move in the direction of the greatest forces, a person’s behavior can be determined by the relative magnitude of the various “forces” they are experiencing. This has at times been depicted in humorous fashion by the notion of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, competing for control.
The net result of the various forces influencing a person’s behavior, therefore, can have a lot to do with their efforts to get along productively with others. When possible, anything that increases the positive side while decreasing the negative side of these forces will help.
Avoiding the temptation to screw things up
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Here is an interesting thing to watch for in movies, plays, and other forms of entertainment. I’m tempted to add “TV shows,” but I’m not sure that anyone watches TV anymore. But it is certainly related to the business of getting along.
I’m talking about where the main character will start some kind of new relationship. Most of the time it will be a romantic relationship, but sometimes it will be a job or maybe some kind of business partnership.
The interesting part, I believe, is how in many of the portrayals, things will go just great at first. The new couple couldn’t be happier as they embark on their new life. Or maybe the star has landed their dream job and is just over the moon as they say.
But it doesn’t last.
For no apparent reason, one of the primary characters will begin some kind of unpleasant behavior, generally directed at or affecting one of the other characters. When it’s a romantic story, this will frequently but not always be the male lead. The particulars vary from story to story but the result is the same: The relationship gradually goes from wonderful to horrible.
Sometimes alcohol will be involved, frequently accompanied by a surprisingly bad temper that was not on display at the beginning of the relationship. Other variations on this theme will include infidelity, gambling, financial turmoil, and assorted other forms of relationship dysfunction.
You might be thinking “Of course they have trouble! In the movies, there has to be some kind of conflict or problem to keep the plot interesting.”
True enough. But it is also true that life, unfortunately in this case, imitates art. Examples of people sabotaging their own happiness in a seemingly endless variety of ways are all too common.
A possible explanation
It may be uncomfortable to consider, but family history can be significant here. If you are used to a lot of conflict among family members, a peaceful and rational relationship might actually make you uncomfortable or nervous. Even when it’s unpleasant, a familiar environment can be oddly reassuring.
Once again, the truth is not your enemy
This is such a widespread source of pain for so many people, it would be wonderful if someone had a reliable way to prevent it. One thing that I believe will help, certainly not at all times in all situations but quite possibly some of the time, is simply telling the truth. Acknowledging the impulse to somehow reduce the “happiness anxiety” in a situation can reduce some of its strength. These are the kinds of painful impulses that tend to thrive in the dark.
Even better, you could discuss some of these tendencies with your partner, while encouraging them to consider doing the same thing. It might sound backwards, but if the negatives impulses are there, denying their existence generally does not keep them causing trouble.
Happiness is in short supply in our troubled world. If you are fortunate enough to achieve it, do the world — and yourself! — a big favor and do everything you can to preserve it.
Play fair. But what does that mean?
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A good definition of fair play might be a combination of what I call the “Two C’s and an I” along with a good helping of empathy.
Empathy
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I think everybody knows what empathy means: The willingness to put yourself in the other’s place, to “walk a mile in their shoes.” Since no one likes to be treated badly or unfairly, it is easy enough to understand how the other person would not like it either. Maintaining a high level of empathy for the person you are dealing with is a good way to encourage fair play on your part.
“Two C’s and an I”
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The other key ingredient — or, I should say ingredients — are the “Two C’s and an I.” Here is a brief summary as shown elsewhere on this site.
Communication. It is endlessly frustrating when something changes for one party in a transaction and they don’t bother telling the other.
Consideration. Recognizing the way your decisions can affect others in your life can go a long way to keeping the relationships healthy.
Integrity. Telling the truth, acknowledging and keeping your commitments. I think it was the Texas Rangers who used to say, “Do all that you say you will do.”
Insisting on the same
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Being fair in our dealings with others is all well and good. But what about us? Shouldn’t we also receive fair play?
If you want the relationship, transaction, or exchange to work well and keep working, the answer is a resounding yes, of course. Whenever you encounter really low morale and a major lack of enthusiasm, you can be sure that one party to the exchange is faring poorly compared to the other party.
This sounds great in principle, but there are some major hurdles along the way. For one thing, there are plenty of individuals and organizations out there who show very few signs of being concerned with fair play on their part.
Every bit as troubling is the fact that making a change to find better treatment elsewhere is either extremely difficult or simply out of the question much of the time. This, unfortunately, is especially true in the place many of us love to hate: the workplace.
I will discuss these challenges in more detail later in this article. I am not going to “whitewash” an obviously difficult situation, nor am I going to promise any miracles. But I do believe that, much of the time, it is possible to make at least some improvement. And the great thing about even small improvements is that, like compound interest, they can build on each other.
Things to try
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Stories, concepts, and examples of the benefits of getting along with others can be helpful. I plan to provide as many of these as possible on an ongoing basis.
However, as useful as reading and hearing about new ideas can be, there is nothing quite like trying these ideas out for yourself. Just as an example: For any pilots out there, think of all the reading and learning you did about how to land the plane. Now compare this with your first experience of actually doing it!
I first heard of this distinction as the difference between didactic and experiential learning.
Since experiential learning, actually “doing it,” can have such a powerful effect, I plan to include suggestions for ways you can experiment with some of the concepts I discuss. I describe a few of these later in this article.
Connections
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Here is something you can easily experiment with as part of your daily routine that can lead to better and more enjoyable dealings with others. There is no additional time, expense, or equipment involved. In terms of “things to try,” it is about as simple as it gets.
I’m talking about the simple task of making connections with others. The secret is reminiscent of the old joke about how one gets to Carnegie Hall: “Practice, practice, practice!”
Most of us encounter other people on a regular basis as we go about our lives. Each of these encounters, even the briefest ones such as passing each other on a busy street, offers the possibility for some kind of connection.
It is not always practical or even safe to pursue a potential connection. The legendary advice to newcomers in a big and potentially dangerous city is probably well-founded: Avoid strangers, avoid eye contact when passing others on the street, this kind of thing.
But there will frequently be situations in which it’s possible to pursue a bit of a connection without any undue risk. Since I am convinced that one of the foundations of mutually beneficial interactions, otherwise known as “getting along,” consists of meaningful connections, experimenting with making connections just might be helpful.
One way to experiment with making connections without the potential risk of “talking to strangers” — as our parents may have warned us against — could be to take advantage of shopping and other errands you probably need to run from time to time. Even in today’s automated era, with self checkout and ATM transactions, we frequently need to deal with other people to complete our purchases.
If you are dealing with another human anyway, why not take an extra few seconds and see if you can add just a bit of genuine connection to the interaction?
Cashiers in places like grocery stores will frequently ask their customers standard questions like “How are you?” and “Did you find everything okay?” It’s a very simple matter to respond with something like “I’m fine — and how is your day going?”
I frequently do this when I shop, and sometimes the cashier will seem pleasantly surprised that I asked. At times they will say something like “I’m fine as well, and thank you for asking!”
Of course there will be times when the cashier or clerk is extremely busy with some kind of problem or just doesn’t appear to be in a mood for chitchat. If you try this kind of thing frequently, you will probably develop a feel for when someone might be in the mood for this kind of pleasant exchange.
Depending on the situation, you can sometimes extend the conversation a bit. I have found that people usually appreciate it when someone else shows just a bit of interest in what they are doing and maybe even why they are doing it.
It is all too easy to go through our transactions somewhat robotically. I don’t believe that people mean any harm when they inadvertently deal with someone as if they were just part of the machinery. But it is usually more pleasant for all concerned to enjoy just a brief connection with another real person.
And getting in the habit of consistently seeing others as genuine, living and breathing people just like us is a great step toward consistently getting along well with others.
Level with yourself
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As I discussed earlier in this article, most of us know what it takes to treat each other well and to remain fair in our dealings. The problem is not that we don’t know what to do — the problem is that we frequently just don’t do it.
Here’s something you can try if you want to improve your consistency in treating others well. Fair warning: This may be uncomfortable for some, since our culture and society tends to discourage self analysis. But getting along is a two-way street, and dealing fairly with others is just as important as insisting that they do the same with you.
If you are willing to experiment a bit, here is something that you can try. I call it “Level with yourself.”
Level with yourself about the kinds of feelings that many of us have yet frequently avoid looking at too closely. Maybe there are a few with genuinely “charmed lives,” but the vast majority of us have had our share of painful and disappointing experiences. We all react differently, but anger, frustration, and anxiety are probably typical reactions in many cases.
The problem comes when we “forget” the original experiences and do our best to bury the resulting emotions. This sets the stage for what I have heard referred to as “obsolete responses.”
These obsolete responses can act as dormant landmines, detonating unexpectedly years and miles away from the original event.
I have long suspected that the horrendous pain and suffering caused by humanity’s endless wars have their origin lurking in the “obsolete responses” of many of the individuals involved.
For a brief discussion about a book describing how a couple of brothers helped to cause America’s Cold War, see this section in my article Getting along — it’s possible.
You can avoid starting wars — cold or hot — in your own life by being as honest as you possibly can with yourself about painful events in your past.
A communication booster!
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How would you like to quickly ramp up or boost communication between yourself and someone who is important to you? This can make a difference in your ability to get along with each other.
Here is a simple exercise I learned years ago that can be a big help for those in an ongoing relationship. It is probably most useful for romantic relationships, but it could also be helpful in other situations where the same people are spending time with each other on an ongoing basis.
The exercise itself is surprisingly simple — so simple, in fact, that you might underestimate its ability to make a difference. The individuals involved simply give each other a bit of useful information. The secret lies in the structure of the exercise, which helps to ensure that the information is well received and understood.
You simply take turns telling each other, briefly and simply, three things that the other person has done that you liked. After each of you does this, you then do the same thing but this time you inform each other about three things that the other person did that you did not like. Ideally you would probably do this every day, but obviously you can adjust this to your own situation.
There are two essential requirements. The first is the structure, which I will demonstrate shortly. This forces the exchange to be limited to the bare essentials.
The second requirement is even more important. It is absolutely essential that there is no discussion, argument, or explanation given each other regarding the information received. The idea is for this exercise to be the place where anything at all can be told each other with no repercussions.
So here is the recommended structure of the exercise. You and your partner will take turns. In this illustration, you go first. You tell your partner the following:
You: I really liked it when you (insert something that your partner has done that you liked.)
Partner: Thank you for letting me know.
Repeat this exchange three times, each time telling your partner something they have done that you liked. Each time your partner responds by saying — only! — “Thank you for letting me know.”
You then repeat the same three exchanges, except this time you tell your partner about something they have done that you did not like. Keep it simple, don’t elaborate, don’t justify. Just a quick and to the point communication.
How the Freedom Preacher Zoom Sessions can help
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The Freedom Preacher Zoom Sessions are the “premium” portion of the website, requiring a modest fee for participation. Like many website creators, I offer the content for free in the hopes that it will be helpful. If you do find my explanations and examples helpful and would like to have more direct involvement, you might consider the Freedom Preacher Zoom Sessions.
Here are some of the ways I believe these sessions can be helpful for those who want to get along with others as consistently as possible.
Zoom Sessions Overview
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The Freedom Preacher Zoom Sessions will serve as an antidote.
These sessions are live, real-time online video conversations in which people discuss ways to improve their interactions with others in their lives. Since these are group conversations, participants can get ideas from others facing similar situations, as well as suggestions and ideas from me, the Freedom Preacher.
Why do I say these sessions will be an “antidote”?
We spend our entire lives immersed in a society in which simply getting along with others frequently takes a backseat to one or another form of (frequently unnecessary) conflict. In this environment, conflict can become the “default setting.”
In the Freedom Preacher Zoom Sessions, the goal will be the opposite: We will do our best to find ways to reduce conflict, increase mutual benefit, and make getting along more of a possibility in a variety of real-life situations. The goal will be for these sessions to provide a “counter narrative,” an antidote, to the toxic reliance on conflict that permeates our society.
That sounds good, although it is a bit abstract. In more concrete terms: If you decide to participate in the Freedom Preacher Zoom sessions, how will you know when they are working? If you find yourself instinctively looking for solutions that work for both parties — the legendary “win-win” — when faced with a potential conflict, that is a good sign that it is working for you.
Can talking about problems really make a difference?
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Can talking about problems (or “issues,” or maybe “difficult decisions” — not just problems) really help?
Of course it can. Talking things over with a trusted friend or colleague has long been understood to be helpful. Another related term, “brainstorming,” refers to the remarkable creativity unleashed by people collectively working to find solutions.
Of course, is also true that “talk is cheap.” Simply talking about something without some kind of associated action can be a great way to avoid dealing with an issue. When a meaningful discussion or series of discussions leads to a change in behavior or some important action taken, however, it seems likely that the discussions were helpful.
And —
Groups are great
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The group format of the Freedom Preacher Zoom Sessions may seem awkward or surprising for those not familiar with the format. Most of the time, people become comfortable fairly quickly.
This is a good thing, as there are several significant advantages to the group format. I will discuss a few of these here.
And for those who would just prefer private sessions, I will make these available as well.
Here are some advantages of the group format used by the Freedom Preacher Zoom Sessions.
Affordable
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Simple arithmetic leads to possibly the biggest advantage of the group format: It’s less expensive. If you have ever flown on a commercial plane, shopped in a big store, or attended a concert you have enjoyed the financial benefit of groups.
Learning from others
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You can benefit from participating in a Freedom Preacher Zoom Session even if you don’t initiate a discussion yourself. When someone else brings up an issue about something in their life — perhaps a problem at work, maybe a family issue — there is a good chance that some aspects of the discussion will apply to issues in your life.
This is a benefit of being involved with a group in which the conversation is not limited to “small talk.”
It’s okay to talk about important and difficult issues
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Many people are reluctant to discuss personal issues with friends and family. In some cases it has to do with not wanting to be perceived as “weak.” If you are fortunate enough to have people in your life who will just listen and not judge you or tease you or otherwise give you a bad time, this may not seem like a big deal.
But for those not so fortunate, the Freedom Preacher Zoom Sessions offer a place to “get it off your chest” without worrying about others’ reactions.
This is another advantage of these online sessions. You can discuss important issues in your life, including situations that you may find troubling. They don’t have to be problems, either: Maybe you are facing a significant decision, perhaps a career choice or some kind of business venture.
Bear in mind that the kind of feedback in these sessions is defined in the “ground rules” for the Freedom Preacher Zoom Sessions. Group participants are invited to comment on their reaction to issues you discuss, including ways they may have dealt with similar situations. But they will be consistently discouraged from giving a speaker direct “advice” or otherwise suggesting courses of action. Judgments and criticism are also discouraged.
The goal is for the Freedom Preacher Zoom Sessions to be a place where you can speak your mind about anything — most especially, those things that really matter to you.
Realizing that you are not alone
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It is easy to think that we are the only ones wrestling with personal “issues,” many of which boil down to some version of difficulty with other people. Our culture encourages us to put on a happy face, as it were, so we generally don’t discuss our problems with others.
Since discussing and, hopefully, finding solutions for these kinds of problems is the whole point of the Freedom Preacher Zoom Sessions, participants will quickly learn that others have similar problems. Any thoughts of being alone or somehow unusual in this regard will frequently lessen or even disappear entirely.
Conclusion
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This article has been an overview of my understanding of humanities ongoing problems with getting along with each other. This understanding forms the basis of how, as the Freedom Preacher, I believe I can help those who would like to get along more consistently with others.
Staying motivated
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