Introduction
My goal as the Freedom Preacher is to help us rebuild the habit of getting along with each other. In this article I will explain some of the ways I hope to accomplish this.
First, however, I will address a couple of assumptions:
- Getting along with others is important
- Our ability to get along can be improved
Why it’s important
Interacting with others peacefully and productively — getting along — is absolutely essential for a civilized society. Among its many benefits, perhaps the most important is the increased efficiency of mutually beneficial interactions. Life is, by definition, an endless series of challenges. We stand a better chance of meeting these challenges when we are not wasting time and energy bickering (and worse) with each other.
Getting along, Part One: It’s a Survival Skill
Why it’s possible
One of the enduring mythologies of our existence is the idea that we humans are just inherently combative and aggressive. This has long been used as justification by those wanting to control us. According to this narrative, learning to genuinely and consistently get along with each other is just not in the cards for us.
This idea may work well for those who prefer — and benefit from — our conflict-ridden status quo, but I disagree. In fact, of all the damage done by our toxic society, our weakened but improvable ability to get along with each other is one that offers the most opportunity for improvement.
Getting along, Part Two: Why Don’t We?
Next: How learning to get along with a difficult contractor salvaged an important home remodel
Home Remodel Success Story
Anyone who has done any home remodeling or worked with building contractors will appreciate the following story. It is hard to think of an environment that could benefit more from an improvement in simply working well together, otherwise known as getting along.
I was part owner of a duplex in Southern California during one of the biggest real estate booms ever. The insanely rising prices soon became irresistible, so we decided to fix the place up and try our luck in the marketplace. This was not a simple task, however, as “deferred maintenance” had long been in effect.
A friend put us in touch with a well-regarded contractor whom I will call Brett. He seemed thoroughly knowledgeable and experienced, so we set out working on our duplex.
At first things went reasonably well, but it quickly became apparent that we were going to have our share of the difficulties that so many before us had experienced with home contractors. In our case, the problem was not ability or skill. Brett was highly skilled in all of the fields required by our remodel. It was more of an attitude problem for us.
We later came to realize that Brett had been “stiffed,” not paid properly or at all by certain previous clients. Everyone knows that clients have problems with contractors, but there are always two sides to every story. It turns out that sometimes contractors have problems with clients. In Brett’s case, these experiences left him with a real belligerent attitude and a major chip on his shoulder.
How we managed to improve the situation with Brett
From the very beginning of our project, we consistently did two things with Brett:
- We made it a point to pay him on time, every time. We let him know we were paying attention to the billing, but we didn’t go out of our way to question everything he charged.
- He did seem to think that, since he was the one with the skills, that he would make all the decisions as to just how something was done. We politely but firmly disabused him of this notion on a few key occasions. We explained that we really enjoyed working with him, but if he was not willing to recognize that we had the final say in methods, we would have no choice but to find someone who would.
It worked, and it worked well
We were 100% fair with Brett, unlike many of his other clients had been. And we insisted on the same kind of treatment in return. To his credit, he was willing to change his ways and work with us. It worked out extremely well for all of us.
What we learned
Our experience working with Brett illustrated the two essential components of a successful transaction.
First of all, we went out of our way to be consistently fair in our dealings with him. The most important aspect of this meant making sure that we paid him on time without any difficulties or other drama. This is not the only component of “playing fair,” however. For example, we made it a point to be as clear as possible in our communications with him. Clear and consistent communication is an important ingredient in getting along, as I discuss in more detail shortly.
The other half of our strategy was equally straightforward: We made it clear, from the beginning, that we required the same kind of fair play in return. Without an effective “or else,” this is the kind of thing that can be easily ignored. I made it clear to him on a couple of occasions that we were willing and able to find others for our project if he wasn’t willing to “play fair” as we were.
So, the only question remaining at that point was, did Brett value the excellent treatment he was getting from us enough to be willing to reciprocate? I think everyone knows that this kind of situation can and does go differently much of the time, but this time it worked, and it worked well.
Getting along: What it takes
This story illustrates the two essential components of getting along in almost any interaction. When you look at the essentials, it seems almost absurdly simple: Do your best to be consistently fair with the other party, and insist that they do the same with you.
I will get a bit ahead of myself here by pointing out the painful fact that, simple though it may be, we humans frequently do a pretty bad job of getting along with each other. I will look at this in more detail shortly.
Let’s take a closer look at the primary components required for getting along with each other. First of all, just what does “being fair” mean when dealing with others?
Just what does “fair treatment” mean?
A good definition of fair play might be a combination of what I call the “Two C’s and an I” along with a good helping of empathy.
Empathy
I think everybody knows what empathy means: the willingness to put yourself in the other’s place, to “walk a mile in their shoes.” Since no one likes to be treated badly or unfairly, it is easy enough to understand how the other person would not like it either. Maintaining a high level of empathy for the person you are dealing with is a good way to encourage fair play on your part.
(I will get to the major issue of the other person’s behavior shortly. I am referring to this as “The elephant in the room.”)
“Two C’s and an I”
The other key ingredient — or, I should say ingredients — are the “Two C’s and an I.” Here is a brief summary as shown elsewhere on this site.
Communication. It is endlessly frustrating when something changes for one party in a transaction and they don’t bother telling the other.
Consideration. Recognizing the way your decisions can affect others in your life can go a long way to keeping the relationships healthy.
Integrity. Telling the truth, acknowledging and keeping your commitments. I think it was the Texas Rangers who used to say, “Do all that you say you will do.”
Insisting on the same
Being fair in our dealings with others is all well and good. But what about us? Shouldn’t we also receive fair play?
If you want the relationship, transaction, or exchange to work well and keep working, the answer is a resounding yes, of course. Whenever you encounter really low morale and a major lack of enthusiasm, you can be sure that one party to the exchange is faring poorly compared to the other party.
This sounds great in principle, but there are some major hurdles along the way. For one thing, there are plenty of individuals and organizations out there who show very few signs of being concerned with fair play on their part.
Every bit as troubling is the fact that making a change to find better treatment elsewhere is either extremely difficult or simply out of the question much of the time. This, unfortunately, is especially true in the place many of us love to hate: the workplace.
I will discuss these challenges in more detail later in this article. I am not going to “whitewash” an obviously difficult situation, nor am I going to promise any miracles. But I do believe that, much of the time, it is possible to make at least some improvement. And the great thing about even small improvements is that, like compound interest, they can build on each other.
For a “real world” example of someone insisting on being treated properly, here is a story of a couple of highly talented men I worked with back in my “corporate” days.
Treat me wrong, treat me right: Who decides?
Why we don’t always do what it takes
In the last section, we explained how getting along with others is surprisingly simple: It is just a matter of everyone involved doing the best they can for each other as well as for themselves. Yes, this may sound like a contradiction. But it turns out that everyone comes out ahead in the long run when all the time and energy spent on conflict is instead available for getting the job done.
All of this leads to an obvious question: if getting along is that simple and we know how to do it, why don’t we? It is pretty obvious that the long-awaited “world peace” is nowhere in sight, even though we know we would benefit greatly from a peaceful world. What is the problem?
A major clue is to be found in a pair of quotations by Nobel prize winner Albert Einstein.
The Albert Einstein quotes
There are many memorable quotations attributed to Albert Einstein. Here are two that I believe bear directly on our ongoing difficulty getting along with each other:
“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
Why we don’t always play fair
There is an important clue in the title of this section. The “we” in “Why we don’t always play fair” refers to everybody. There is a tendency to assume that problems are caused by “the other guy,” but there are, inevitably, two sides to every story.
There are certainly many situations in which one person is clearly in the wrong, but remaining open to the possibility that modifying our behavior can also help the situation will generally yield the best possible outcome.
The first step to solving a problem is genuinely understanding it, and the problem of people treating each other badly and unfairly is no exception. It may be uncomfortable at times, but thoroughness demands that we examine not only the case of others treating us unfairly, but situations where our treatment of others could be improved as well.